Don't Bring a Pizza Paddle to a Knife Fight?

That is a post title I NEVER expected to type. Papa John’s worker attacked over missing pepperoncinis stabs customer, MD cops say.

And who puts pepperocini on pizza? As a side, certainly. As a topping... Just no.

And to be fair, while the headline talks about toppings, pepprocini and garlic sauce are usually provided as sides to pizza. It has been a long time since I gave up gluten, but if memory serves, Papa Johns included both of those items with every pizza.

It happened late Aug. 17 when Herbert Harris, 40, returned to the restaurant with a pizza he had recently purchased to complain about missing pepperoncinis and garlic sauce, according to a statement from the Harford County Sheriff’s Office.

He started an argument, then started chasing an employee, grabbed a metal pizza paddle (the real name for which is pizza peel), and got stabbed for his trouble.

After being chased, the employee grabbed a pizza spear and stabbed Harris in the stomach in an act of self-defense, investigators say.

And for the record, I have no idea what a pizza spear is. Some of the articles say it was another peel. (Pizza paddles at ten paces?) Whatevah.

Anyway, cops showed up and hauled him to the local hospital. He is facing assault charges.

If you really cannot live without pepperocini (those pickled peppers you find on salad bars - and apparently in Papa John's Pizza orders), you can buy them. I buy mine from That Pickle Guy in Illinois. I get no money from recommending that, but he has good stuff. The olive muffalata is particularly delicious. (Shipping is not free or cheap, unless you buy substantial quantities, which I do.) I'm sure you can find a more generic version in your local store near the olives. I'm not an expert on garlic sauce, but I'm guessing you can either buy it, or that there are recipes on the internet.

The moral of the story is, for self-defense use the weapon that is available. Also, don't go to jail over garlic sause.